Scoffscut Gets a Bath
by Griffin Stone
Summary: Redwall has withstood many things: famine, war, sieges, and winters. But nothing has thrown them in as much disarray as getting one young hare to take a bath.


**A/N: This is a testing of the waters, so to speak. This is my first attempt with Redwall so, as usual, any feedback is much appreciated. Especially on the accents, because this is my first try with so many! **

**It takes place not long after the events of _Mariel of_ Redwall. Tarquin and Rosie are two of my favorite hares, right up there with Tammo and Fleetscut (Scoffscut's namesake.)**

**Speaking of, all characters belong to Brian Jacques, except for Scoffscut.**

* * *

"Rufe, grab him!"

Rufe Brush had only turned halfway toward Flagg's call, when somebeast crashed into him. The sturdy squirrel was sent ears over brush, but still reached out. The beast who had run into him slipped away, slick as the mud they left in his paws.

Rufe stared at his muddy paws, then Flagg ran up beside him. The brawny otter pulled Rufe to his paws and brushed him off.

"Sorry, mate," Flagg said with a broad smile. "Scoffscut heard 'bath' and bolted like a Dibbun."

Rufe looked in the direction the Flagg pointed. Sisters Sage and Serena and Treerose were retrieving spilt laundry, and Dandin was flat on his back with a stunned look on his face. Mariel and a cluster of Dibbuns crowed with laughter as Tarquin, Bagg, and Runn raced through the chaos.

"That was Scoffscut?" Rufe asked simply.

Indeed, it seemed impossible that the silent scrap of a hare that Flagg had brought to the Abbey earlier that morning could wreak such havoc in so little time. Yet as Rufe looked past Saxtus and Recorder Hubert racing after scrolls and Mother Mellus shaking muddy paws, his eyes fell on young Scoffscut.

The hare's number of seasons were unknown, but most thought him to be Bagg and Runn's age. He was much too small, though -half Tarquin's height and as scrawny as a weasel in winter. Mud and grass covered him more thoroughly than the torn remains of an oversized tunic flapping around his fur of indiscernible color.

While Rufe and Flagg watched, Scoffscut leaped over the Abbot, who had been warned to duck by the blind herbalist Simeon. The young hare's mouth gaped in silent laughter as he ducked Bagg's paws and catapulted over Runn. The otter twins only managed to knock heads and fall to the ground.

Tarquin rushed past, hollering, "This is no time to nap, wot! Look lively, lads!"

Hon Rosie, standing carefully at the orchard's edge under the watch of young Grubb, chortled in obvious glee. "Whoo-ahh! Get'im, Tarkers! He'd going to duck past- oh, he got by you, wot! Go to the- slippery bugger, eh wot?"

Rosie pulled her ears over her eyes in jest, mimicking the mole-wives who threw their aprons over their faces when embarrassed. She teased her mate by crying out in a moaning voice.

"Oh, Tarquin, Tarquin. What's a former Salamonstrom hare who can't catch a little rip like that?"

Tarquin dove at Scoffscut, missing him completely and hitting the ground on his stomach. He flopped his ears sideways and gazed with comical sadness at Rosie.

"My dear Rosie," Tarquin siad, "There hasn't been a fish in the river as slick as this one! Would you like to try?"

Rosie, shaking with laughter, flicked her ears up. "No, Tarkers, you're doing a fine job! Wha-whoops!" She clapped a paw over her mouth to stifle her laughter.

Rosie had been warned earlier that her raucous laughter might scare the half-wild hare. She was doing her best to contain herself with paws pressed tight to her mouth, but she shook so hard at the sight of Tarquin that she had to lean on Grubb's shoulder.

Grubb respectfully touched his blunt digging claws against his nose. "Burr aye. You iz doin' foine job, zurr."

Tarquin saluted comically.

Scoffscut, briefly free of pursuers, paused near the orchard and gazed back at the Redwallers. He quickly became bored and looked up, smiling when he saw a plump red apple above him. He plucked the apple down and started eating.

"Cheeky blighter, wot," Tarquin said, laying his chin on the ground.

Rufe caught young Dandin's eye and nodded to the distracted Scoffscut. Dandin grinned and nodded. The squirrel and mouse crept undetected into leaping range.

Or, so they thought.

When Rufe lifted a paw for the final step, Scoffscut abruptly crouched. He leaped straight up, grabbing a tree branch with one paw while clutching his half-eaten apple in the other.

Rufe and Dandin stopped, in case their approach had frightened Scoffscut

Scoffscut swung onto a sturdy branch and looked down expectantly. He wasn't frightened at all. He was actually enjoying the chase, and wondered why Rufe and Dandin had stopped.

Treerose, having finished gathering the laundry, watched Scoffscut and realized that he wanted to be chased some more. She quickly scaled the tree to a nearby branch. Scoffscut laughed silently and took off among the branches, still holding tight to his apple.

The chase went on for some time. Redwallers rocked in contained mirth, watching the formerly fussy squirrel leap wildly after Scoffscut.

Eventually, Scoffscut got bored of the chase. He bounded to the orchard's edge and leaped clear from the landed with a roll and bounce to his paws at the pond's edge.

The combination of Scoffscut's proud smile and an exhausted Treerose dropping ungracefully to the grass was too much for Hon Rosie.

"Whooohahahoooh!"

The Redwallers winced, expecting Scoffscut to take off again at Rosie's laughter.

Scoffscut's ears flicked to attention, but he didn't bolt. His head cocked toward Rosie, then he threw his head back in silent laughter.

Flagg, taking advantage of Scoffscut's unexpected distraction, leaped toward the hare.

Scoffscut heard the thud of paws and kicked himself to the side. He beamed as Flagg's paws only found grass, though his smile turned to surprise when his own paws struck water.

_Splash!_

Flagg roared with laughter. "Right into the pond, mate! It's not the tub, Mother Mellus, but it'll do!"

The Redwallers laughed along with Flagg at his unexpected success. Gradually, though, the laughter trailed off when Scoffscut didn't resurface.

"Tarquin?" asked Bagg, standing across the pond from Flagg. "How long can hares hold their breath?"

"Well… er, wot, he's been down there for a blinkin' long time…"

Flagg leaped up. "By my whiskers, he can't swim, mates!"

Flagg launched himself with the speed of a hawk, vanishing beneath the water with barely a ripple. Bagg and Runn made one giant splash when they dove at the same time.

Flagg swam swiftly to where Scoffscut had vanished. He searched the shallows, then paddled deeper.

Squinting in the murky water, Flagg spotted motion. He kicked closer, worried at how long Scoffscut had been under. His searching paws instead found Runnn, who wildly shook his head. The pair separated and continued searching until they couldn't hold their breath any longer.

Flagg, Bagg, and Runn burst to the surface. Gasping for breath, they flicked water from their ears and eyes to look around.

Redwalllers had gathered at the pond's edge. They stared wide-eyed and silent at the otters.

Flagg blew water from his nose. "No sign of him yet, mates! Don't worry, we'll find 'em!"

Laughter made Flag pause just before diving. He turned to study the Redwallers more closely.

Rosie was bent double with her paws pressed against her mouth, held up by Tarquin and Grubb. Dibbuns giggled and nudged each other. Mother Mellus shook her wide head slowly. Others shook as if containing laughter and hid their mouths behind paws.

"What's so funny?" Bagg demanded.

"Aw, Rosie, you gave it all away," Mariel scolded, voice jumping up and down from breathy giggles.

Rosie had to sit down. "Whohohoo! Oh, my ribs- hahaha! S-sorry, lass! Whahoo! Jolly good performance, you trickster! Hahoo!"

While the otters stared, perplexed, the Dibbuns finally let loose their laughter. Baby mice, moles, and hedgehogs rolled to and fro on the grass.

Flagg looked at Mother Mellus, who still shook her head. The badgermum lifted a paw to point behind him. Slowly, the otters turned.

Scoffscut was treading water behind Flagg. He grinned at the burly otter, quite proud of himself.

"He surfaced just after you dove," Saxtus said, smiling. "He's been following you since."

"You wicked little wave-whapper!" Despite himself, Flagg laughed. "Come here!"

Scoffscut ducked away from Flagg and paddled backwards, increasing the laughter from the lawn. Bagg and Runn lunged, but Scoffscut was as slick as an otter in the water.

Flagg let Bagg and Runn chase Scoffscut. He could see there would be no catching the hare and, besides, the three young beasts were greatly enjoying themselves.

Mother Mellus stepped in after a bit. "Alrighty, you rowdy young beasts. Are you playing, or washing?"

Bagg and Runn treaded water, then pulled off their tunics and tossed them to the grass. Scoffscut, curious about the twin's new game, did the same.

"Do you have any soap, marm?" Runn asked.

"Do you think I just keep soap in my apron?" Mother Mellus asked.

"Yes, marm," Bagg said cheekily. "Never know when you'll find a dirty Dibbun, you know."

""Keep that up, and you'll be the one getting a scrubbing," Mother Mellus scolded as she held up a bar of soap that had indeed come from her apron.

Bagg reached for the soap when Mother Mellus threw it. Scoffscut quickly dived and swam under Bagg, then launched himself out of the water to grab the soap bar.

Scoffscut, clutching his prize, splashed back into the water. He turned the bar back-and-forth in his paws, expression quizzical.

"What? Have you never seen soap before?" Runn asked.

Scoffscut, still studying the soap, shook his head. He sniffed the soap, then opened his mouth.

"Don't eat it!" Bagg yelped, giggling. "You clean yourself with it, see?"  
Scoffscut willingly gave the young otter the soap. Bagg demonstrated by lathering up the soap bar and scrubbing himself, then handed the soap back.

Scoffscut looked at the slippery soap in his paws, then to the soapy Bagg. Then, he grinned and mimicked Bagg until he was surrounded by bubbles. His mouth gaping in silent laughter, Scoffscut tossed the soap to Runn and dove beneath the bubbles.

Runn flailed to catch the soap, finally pinning it between his body and paws. He and Bagg set about cleaning themselves up, while Scoffscut swam about them.

Eventually, the otter twins and Scoffscut were clean enough that Runn thought they would pass Mother Mellus' inspection. Runn tossed the bar of soap to shore, where the Dibbuns chased after the slippery soap with squeals.

"Come on, Scoffscut," Bagg urged while Runn turned to shore. "Time to dry off."

Scoffscut whistled -the only sound he ever made- and ducked under the water. He popped up like a cork in front of Bagg, splashing the otter. Bagg tried hard to not smile.

"It's time to get out," Bagg said.

Runn hopped to shore and called back. "Yeah, it's time to eat!"

Scoffscut's ears shot up, then he was off like a fish. In no time, he was bounding out of the grass. Ignoring the towels held by Sister Serena for the wet beasts, Scoffscut threw himself in the sun-warmed grass. He rolled back-and-forth vigorously, then leaped up once he was dry -if a bit grass-stained now- finally giving the Redwallers a good look at him.

Surprisingly, under the black and browns of muck, Scoffscut's fur was a sandy brown and his belly and muzzle were creamy white. The mud had also hidden just how thin the young hare was. Mother Mellus tsked when she saw ribs clearly through his fur.

The Abbot lightly clapped his paws to gather everyone's attention. "I believe Friar has been busy all morning with the early harvest. Let's all go to the dining hall and enjoy his work."

The Redwallers needed to further urging. Mariel, Treerose, and Sisters Sage and Serena herded the Dibbuns together. Led by a tiny mousebabe proudly clutching the wayward soap, the Dibbuns stampeded into the Abbey. Tarquin was right behind them, leaving Grubb to assist Rosie inside. The older beasts trailed after them.

"Come on, mate," Flagg said with a chuckle, holding a paw out to Scoffscut. "There should be somethin' to satisfy a young otter-hare like yourself."

"I'll get him something more suitable to wear." Mother Mellus tsked as she held up Scoffscut's ragged tunic between two claws.

Scoffscut grinned and took Flagg's paw, the round of playing making him content to be led. Halfway to the Abbey, however, he frowned and stopped.

"What's the matter?" Bagg asked, seeing his expression. "We're going to eat!"

Scoffscut shook his head and pulled on his paw until Flagg released him. The young hare bounded back to the pond's edge, where he'd dropped his half-eaten apple. Scoffscut picked up the apple and went to sit under a tree, giving the Abbey a suspicious stare.

"Big difference between our Abbey and your old cave, eh, matey?" Flagg said with a chuckle. "Scary the first time ya see it."

Bagg and Runn looked between Flagg and the Abbey with confused frowns, uncertain on how someone could be frightened of their lifelong home.

"C'mon, mates, let's get some grub before Tarquin scoffs it all down," Flagg said to the twins. "We'll eat in the orchard tonight!"

Getting Scoffscut into the Abbey would be a battle for another day.

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**A/N: I'd like to do the full-fledged story of Scoffscut so, once again, thoughts? Opinions?**


End file.
